


I Promise

by Kanra_chan



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Sad, Suicide Attempt, fluff at the end, no one dies, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 13:31:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12912942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanra_chan/pseuds/Kanra_chan
Summary: It's a day before Christmas, and Izaya isn't doing very well.





	I Promise

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Chosha_Hoshiko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chosha_Hoshiko/gifts).



> Hope you like it hun! Thank you for always commenting on my stories~ And for gifting me that wonderful story! Go check out Chosha's story if you haven't already, it's called Private Lessons and it's great! 
> 
> Trigger warning here if you didn't read the tags, suicide attempt and depression.

Izaya spoke Japanese, Russian, and English fluently. He could talk to a lot of people, say a lot of things, and go a lot of places. He was sharp and witty, too, which helped. He understood humans far better than anyone knew, and used this to his advantage more often than he should.

And, contrary to popular belief, he understood himself. He didn’t think he was normal. He didn’t think he was abnormal. He didn’t describe himself as misunderstood, nor did he say he was special or different.

The world didn’t owe Izaya anything, nor did he owe the world. Before he was a God, with knowledge and love for all humanity, he was a mortal being with thoughts and feelings and a mind to process all of this.

And his humans, too, had their own speculations about him. Some saw him as lonely and depressed, desperately needing love. Others saw him as evil and hateful,  a storybook villain. Others still tried to pin him as a misunderstood hero, ignoring his wrong doings and justifying them as they wished.

In the end, he supposed he was a blend of these things. He needed love, from his humans, and sometimes, he craved it from the few friends he had. He could be a villain, preying on the weak minded for amusement and acting as a cruel and malevolent God. And, of course, he was the hero of his own story, out to find Valhalla and love humanity.

And he liked himself. He was at peace with who he was and he didn’t need validation from anyone. Words didn’t bother him since he knew how and why they were thrown like stones; he chucked rocks at many people himself and with ease. Physical pain didn’t bother him much either, not enough for him to fear it anyway.

And, lately, he’s found he doesn’t even fear death.

All his life he’s been haunted by the knowledge that one day, he simply won’t exist. He’ll be completely gone and, most likely, won’t be remembered for long. Valhalla brought hope, the head a constant reassurance, and yet…

He simply didn’t care anymore. Christmas is right around the corner now, bringing biting cold snow and cheerful holiday jingles, the smell of sweet holiday treats and snowflakes melting on your tongue, and Izaya didn’t care about any of it. He didn’t want to look out the window at all the happy humans, nor did he want to observe the sad ones either.

He was done with everything, to be honest. He was read to take the chance to try again in the next life, should there be one. He didn’t feel any joy for his life anymore, though he didn’t know why, and decided it was best to just end things instead of letting it grow and fester. Now, there was only one thing left to do.

This morning Izaya got up and made himself some coffee, as Namie was with her brother. He double checked the calendar, Dec. 24th, showered and got dressed for the day. He’d called his sisters to remind them about something small, laughing at their complaining of the early hour. He then destroyed all the private files on his computer, laptop, and phone.

He burned any written information he had, opened a window, and dumped the ashes in the trash once they stopped smoking. He’d considered a will, but decided against making one. Instead he placed two small packages on his desk, one green with yellow stripes and the other yellow with green stripes. They had tags, To: Mairu/To: Kururi, though it didn’t necessarily matter. His rings were identical anyway, just like the twins.

He waited till it started to get dark, around 4:45 PM, and headed out. Heading to Russia Sushi he had some fatty tuna and talked casually to Simon. The burly Russian man acted as he always had, not picking up on anything, and Izaya was grateful.

He ran into (well, actually he knew where they’d be and made sure to be there at the same time, but that’s not important) Mikado, Kida and Anri. The group had shared a Christmas eve meal and didn’t seem particular happy to see him. That was fine, of course, and after a few pleasantries he moved on.

He waved to Celty as she rode by, getting a polite nod in return, and continued to his destination. He stopped once more to take a picture of Mika and Seji window shopping, sending it to namie and getting a bitter, “Go to hell.” in return. It made him laugh, because that was what he was essentially doing.

After some more walking, enjoying the sound of his boots crunching snow and the wind ruffling his jacket, he arrived at Shizuo’s place. Up the stairs and down the hall he came upon the monsters den with a huge smile and a knife gripped in his left hand. With his right he knocked, loud enough for even a slumbering beast to hear, and waited.

The faint sound of footsteps reached him, and a moment later the door handle started to turn. As soon as the door swung open he was ducking under a punch and leaning right into Shizuo’s face. He smiled brightly, ignoring the man's building growl.

“Merry Christmas, Shizu-chan!” He cooed, backing up to avoid the other fist.

“What the fuck do you want!?” Shizuo growled, glaring daggers. He was in Pj's, of all things, and Izaya could barely contain his smile. Red wool with cartoon reindeer suited him, oddly enough.

“To take you somewhere. Follow me, okay?” He exclaimed brightly, slashing out at Shizuo with his hidden knife and dashing down the hall. He missed the PJ’s intentionally, only barely cutting his cheek, though he’d never admit it.

“You fleabag!” Shizuo roared, chasing him as predicted. A laugh and a glance back revealed the blond was wearing shoes. He must have realized it was Izaya knocking, then.  

“Catch me if you can!” He called, laughing as they literally dashed through the snow.

He led Shizuo to a special place he’d picked weeks before. It was a bridge on the outskirts of the city and conveniently close to Shizuo’s apartment, within chasing distance. The road it was a part of was recently under construction and currently closed, thanks to a donation from Izaya to have it worked on.

With the road closed, no one would disturb them and not many people should be aware of it should they have the same idea Izaya had. He goes slower than he usually does, allowing Shizuo to keep up even with the snow and dark of night. He stops before they come upon it, stepping to the side and smoothy out of the way of a tree Shizuo managed to grab and chuck at him.

“We’re here.” He says, and holds up his hands. “Now, hear me out.” He requested peacefully, and Shizuo scowled at him with hatred.

“Why the hell should I listen to you? Huh?” Shizuo snarled, looking ready to find another snow covered tree to hurl at him.

“Because it’s Christmas?” He tried.

“That’s tomorrow, flea.” He snapped back, though he relaxes grudgingly. “Where are your rings?”

“...what?” Izaya asked, taken aback.

“Your rings, you’re not wear’n ‘em.” He gestured in Izaya’s general direction to indicate them, and the former informant frowned.

“Ah, right. They get too cold to wear in the winter, so…” He shrugged lamely, trying not to dwell on the fact that his enemy noticed and no one else had.

“Anyway,” Izaya started, and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. He started walking down the road, smiling again and keeping a slow pace so Shizuo could follow him. “I wanted to talk to you, so would you indulge me a little?”

“Better not be a trap.” Shizuo sighed, catching up with him. They were walking side by side, the bridge visible ahead. Izaya walked to it, and rested his arms on the cold stone that seemed to penetrate his clothes. Shizuo stopped beside him, keeping a bit of a distance and still looking ridiculous in his pajamas.  
“We’ve been trying to kill each other since we were fifteen.” He sighs, grinning down cheerfully at the rushing water below. The river that cuts through here is deep and moving too fast for ice to properly form before it’s broken apart and carried downstream. If one jumped, one would not survive.

“Stop acting weird and get to the point already.” Shizuo requested, annoyance apparent.

“Weird?” Izaya inquires back.

“Yeah. Too cheerful and shit, leading me out here and being super cryptic.”

“Mmm…” Izaya hummed, absently. He took a deep inhale and filled his lungs with frosty winter air. He braced his bare hands against the wide stone ledge, pushed away snow and ice, and hauled himself up with a fluid grace. He turned so his back was facing the river and he could look down into Shizuo’s eyes.

“Merry Christmas!” He laughed again, and swallowed down the lump in his throat before it could form. “This is both a gift and not, I suppose. I refuse to let you win our little game, but in the end you’ll still be rid of me so it’s more of a win-win situation. Ne?”

“You’re gonna fall, if you aren’t careful.” Shizuo whispered. He looked unsure of the situation but realization was starting to dawn over his expression like the sunrise.

“He won’t ask, but don’t tell Shinra where I went, okay?” He requested, and stepped back so his shoes were hanging halfway off the ledge. He let his weight tip backward, spreading his arms wide like in the movies. He let his eyes close, a bitter euphoria spreading through him.

He hit the water, and was quickly swept under his icy freedom. He lost all sense of direction as he tumbled deeper and deeper into the freezing depths, body tugged and pulled every which way. The fear never hit him, no urge to breath came, and he accepted this with his fading consciousness.

“Don’t come visit us tomorrow!” Mairu had said on the phone that morning. “Bye, Nii-san.” Kururi had added, and Izaya hadn’t replied.

“Merry wishes, Informant.” An email, the last email he’d gotten, from Shiki and Izaya hadn’t replied.

“Have merry holidays!” Simon had said, he and Dennis waving goodbye after he finished his tuna at Russia sushi and Izaya hadn’t replied.

“Peace out.” Kida had said to him casually and Izaya hadn’t replied.

“Goodbye, Orihara-san.” Anri had nodded politely and Izaya hadn’t replied.

“Merry Christmas, Izaya-san.” Mikado had smiled, and Izaya hadn’t replied.

“Go to hell.” Namie had texted back, and Izaya hadn’t replied.

“Happy holidays!” Mika and Seji had cheered to him from across the street, and Izaya hadn’t replied.

Celty had held out a message to him as she passed, something about the holidays that he didn’t read, and Izaya hadn’t replied.

“See you around New Years!” Shinra had cheerfully said three days ago, when Izaya had visited.

Izaya didn’t reply.

These things ran through his head and he was dragged through the river. Something had caught the back of his hood and was dragging him in a particular direction, keeping his head above the water. He didn’t resist, barely noticed it until he was being thrown on his hands and knees onto the snow bank. Somehow, he didn’t collapse on his side.

“What the fuck were you thinking?!” Shizuo yelled, collapsing to his knees as well in front of Izaya. He didn’t reply, shaking and staring wide eyed at the pure white snow. He took hold of Izaya’s shoulders, shaking him hard. He started to cough, harsh and spluttering up water he hadn’t noticed he’d inhaled.

‘What the _fuck,_ Izaya!?” Shizuo snapped, once his coughing started to stop. “You jumped. Why did you jump?!”

“I-I don’t,” his hands curled and made tight fists around the cold white blanket they were buried in. He held the compacted ice lumps in his hands, numb and soaking wet. “I don’t know.”

“How could you do something so _stupid?!”_ He demanded, letting go of Izaya’s shoulders to gip his own hair and take in steadying breaths. Izaya looked up slowly, slowly started to process Shizuo freaking out over his suicide attempt.

“You ruined your Pajamas.” He said quietly, staring at the rips and tears in the fabric. Blood slowly started to well up on the exposed parts of Shizuo’s skin, pink and irritated from ice and water.

“I didn’t like them anyway.” Shizuo mumbled, coming back to himself and calming down some. “You okay?”

“Why?” He asks.

“Because I need to know.”

“Why?”

“Because you might be hurt.”

“So?”

“So I care if you are.”

“Why?” He asked, looking up into Shizuo’s eyes. The blond was shaking as hard as he was. 

Shizuo kissed him right there on Christmas eve, with the snow falling slowly around them and the world moving on. Izaya was freezing, and Shizuo’s lips were as cold and numb as his own. Icicles were forming on the tips of their hair and in the fabric of their clothes, making things stuff and uncomfortable.

And Izaya decided he wanted to live, in that moment.

“That’s why, you idiot.” Shizuo mumbles, and Izaya laughs against his lips. He pulls back, smiling at the shaken man.

“I wish you told me sooner.” He says, voice warm and heart thawing out. “I destroyed a lot of valuable information. I blame you.” Izaya teases, and Shizuo smiles back at him. It’s shaky, but hopeful.

“That’s okay.” He says, dragging them both a little further away from the rushing water. “You can blame me as you want, if you promise not to do that again.”

“Only if you make sure I’m not alone on Christmas anymore.” Izaya asks sincerely, his teasing tone falling away halfway through his sentence.

“I promise.” 

**Author's Note:**

> READ THIS PLEASE, IT'S IMPORTANT 
> 
> Ahhh I'm so tired, I spent over 3 hours on this.  
>    
> You might be wondering why this was in past tense until the end. It's because Izaya was thinking of his life being over till Shizuo kissed him so...past tense.
> 
> To be honest, I'm torn on this one. I typically don't like suicidal!Izaya fics because I just don't think he'd EVER commit suicide. It's just not in his character, he's too happy and amused with his humans and schemes to want to die. Plus half of his motivation for the stuff he does IN CANNON is trying to achieve going to Valhalla and jizz so that he will live forever! 
> 
> So I guess I'm a hypocrite, for hating stories where he's suicidal and then writing one. But I did do some stuff differently, at least. I didn't explore of very much but he didn't try to kill himself because he was lonely. That was part of it, but mostly he'd just grown detached from life and decided to end things and hope he got another chance. 
> 
> I can't imagine he'd ever do it though, and he would never lose interest in humanity. I DO have an idea I've been toying around with that would explain his behaviour, and it involves Namie, but I'm not sure if I should use it here in a follow up story or save it. 
> 
> Let me know what you thought and if I should do a second chapter. Thanks babes <3


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